THE PIT
Learning about SP was...I don't know how to say it. I had certainly heard of anxiety disorders before, but never social anxiety. And even when I did hear the term, I never connected it to my life. But when I did a websearch on the term, I realized that what I interpreted to be weird weak unique personality quirks were actually caused by SP.
This affects so many aspects of life. Even on the good days there are several times when I feel a pit in my stomach, on bad days I cease to function. People with social anxiety disorder tend to hate themselves. I'm not an exception.
I feel I must be perfect. No matter how many times I remind myself that it is not possible, I'm still determined that if I just worked harder, wasn't as lazy, wasn't as afraid, I could achieve perfection. The need to be perfect, coupled with the knowledge that I am not, is certainly the cause of my self-hate.
This need can be draining. Not all situations bother me. I am actually okay talking in front of people, and competed in impromptu speaking for a year in high school (I was bad at it, but I decided it was something I should do). Calling someone, however, is likely to drain me of all my energy and leave me shaking. Whether it is a business call or a personal call I will spend much time wondering if it is really worth it. I fear that the business people will judge me incompetent for the questions I am asking. I assume that my friends would rather not hear from me.
When I go somewhere I am afraid of doing something stupid, and I'll often imagine that I will try to open doors the wrong way (pushing instead of pulling), leading to embarrassment. I will not ask questions, and I despise answering them. I'm a college student, and although I love college, I worry that if I miss a question on a test the professor will think I'm an idiot. I've never had a job because I can't imagine trying to get one. At the same time I believe that people are judging me on that fact, which leads to more self-hate. Talking about money can trigger an anxiety attack in me, right now I live off of scholarships and loans, but I have little confidence that I will be able to support myself in the real world.
I am an intelligent, competent person, but this disease not only makes me forget this fact, it often convinces me of the opposite. Right now, cognitive behavioral therapy isn't possible, and until I get it negative self-talk will be my constant companion. I know it is irrational. Sometimes I'm able to laugh at the stupidity of it all.
Being
supportive of someone with SP can be frustrating. I'm starting a
list of things to remember when dealing with an SPer. I'd also
like to write a list of things SPers need to remember, but since
I'm in need of the list I'll have to wait until I find someone
who can help me with it.
The list
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"Fear leads to
anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to
suffering."--Master Yoda
"Fear is suffering."--carrie